(Nervous kid tentatively walks toward his college roommate)

Hey Bob, what are ya' cooking? From scratch? With fresh pineapples? Ever make one right side up? (laughs then peters out) Big 'dessert' guy? Can I have some? Can I look at it? Ooh Julie, she's hot . . . what time's she coming over? You gonna make a move on her? She did that already? Um . . . so what's it feel like? (nods a few times while listening and getting excited and starting to sweat) Like when you hold your breath too long, right? (nods in excitement and then shrugs shoulders and kicks floor in slight sadness.) Non-stick pan? Gonna use Pam? Oil? I Can't Believe It's Not Butter? Country Crock? (pause) Butter?!? Low cholesterol huh? (winces) Gonna use the microwave? How the heck do those things work so fast? (long pause as he listens and attempts to interrupt as his smile slowly vanishes)

(Walks around and starts to whistle, then heads over to stereo and leans down to look at collection)

Mind if I put on some music? Kenny G? Yanni? Tesh? (pauses and stutters a bit while looking) Oh . . . (looks for something) so, would they be under Butthole or Surfers? (phone rings) Should I get that? What if it's Julie? How do you know it isn't her? Why don't you get it? How do you know it's for me? (answers phone) Hello? Julie? Hey, remember me, Phillip from abnormal psych? You're kidding right? Remember I let you cheat off me once? Well how was I supposed to know you were gonna get caught? I sound defensive to you? How would you know what defensive means anyway, Miss C+? Ever heard of a joke? (puts hand over mouthpiece) You like her? (phone yanked out of his hand) What was that for? (recoils and paces nervously as he sneaks a listen) So, did she say anything about me? Whataya mean what's my problem? Well didn't I tell you to get it? (recoils and winces a lot) Says who? (recoils again) Who died and made you King? I know you are, but what am I? (big recoil then sad pacing) How can I make it up to you buddy? You need help with the crust? Can I clean the spatula for you? (pause as he reaches into his wallet) Is 20 bucks ok this time? So, truce? Hey, you know any good jokes? (pause and smiles) Who's there? (pauses) Uranus who? (is a bit perplexed and mouths Uranus Hole) What is Uranus Hole supposed to mean? (shrugs shoulders)

Hey Bob, could I, um, ask you something? You wanna live off campus, next year, together? How awesome does Dungeons and Dragons for BEER sound to you? Couldn't you picture me with a tattoo just like yours? Why not? C'mon, you really think your militia guys would care if I wasn't a member? Me not tough enough? How many wisdom teeth did you have out at one time Mr. Big Shot? (recoils a bit, then starts to smile) Oh did I insult you Mr. Galloping Gourmet? Are you scared of the dentist's drill? Can't stand the sight of blood? Where y'goin'? Can't take it? (turns to Bob and acts a little nervous and surprised) Your shot gun? Twelve gauge? Sawed off? Did you clean the barrel yourself? Loaded? Safety on? (reaches in his pocket nervously) Um, can I write you a check for 100?